Both These Things Can Be True

Frequently in my day job I have someone approach me about a disappointing work situation. They got passed over for a promotion. They applied for, and did not get, the job they wanted. They were let go. And so on. And usually they will say something like, “But, you know, there are people who have it worse than I do.” And, usually, I will respond with, “Yes. There are. Both of these things can be true. You can be upset about your situation and recognize that people have it worse.”

There is a generation of us who were raised with parents instructing us to “Eat your peas, there are starving children in [insert country].” Beyond the multiple obvious problems with this statement, the intentions were good. “Be grateful you have food, not everyone does.” Fair enough. Perspective is a good thing. Awareness and recognition of your privilege is a good thing. Not walking around as a Debbie Downer lamenting your poor lot in life all the time is a good thing.

And it’s okay to acknowledge when things aren’t going the way you would like, too. It’s okay to be sad or disappointed by your professional situation while other people are in worse situations. It’s okay to feel unwell while other people face chronic, life-threatening illnesses. It’s okay to struggle while other people are struggling more. And it’s okay to be jealous of other people’s successes while being unhappy about your own lack of progress. And you know what? There are starving children in other countries (and this one). That doesn’t mean you have to enjoy eating your peas. Both these things can be true at once.

Anyone who is in the querying process and who has any presence online knows these feelings acutely. It’s a process of almost constant rejection, except for those for whom it’s not. It’s a process that can make you question your abilities and even your very self, while watching everyone around you achieve seemingly constant and immediate success. For many, rejections look like no response whatsoever, which can wear on one’s mental health in a particular way. The querying process can be soul-destroying, on a good day.

When you’re going after something, or going through something, it can be easy to fall into the trap of comparison. But it’s almost never helpful, unless you find it motivating to your progress. There will always be someone who has it worse or better than you. There will always be someone with more or less privilege than you. There will always be someone who has better connections, who seems to float through life with no problems, while you struggle and strive. Comparison, especially online, is a trap. Don’t fall for it.

Control the things you can. Do the work. Build relationships. Support other people on their journeys. Show up for yourself every day. Be your number one fan. Be aware of your own privilege and how you use it. Reach across and lift up, always.

And, yes, sometimes things won’t go the way you want them to. Sometimes you’ll have to eat the peas. But not because other people don’t have enough to eat, which is true. Eat them because they are good for you. Eat them because you like them. You, a fully formed grown-up with agency and free will, get to make your own choices and decide how much to let other people’s successes or struggles impact your own. It’s always a choice.